I’m back

It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I mean MONTHS.

And I feel like a huge part of me is missing.

My mind never stops. This is nothing new. I’ve always been like this. Overthinking everything is my trademark. I think about what’s wrong in my life. How can I fix it? I think about the blessings in my life and about how I need to thank God more. I think about my kids. How can I help them make the best choices? How can I help them heal from the past? I think about my family. I worry about all of them. ALL THE TIME. I think about home improvements, finances, the future, my weight, my health, and the health of my loved ones. I think about everything that needs to be done and everything I still want to do. 

I often feel crippled by my thoughts like I’m a tire stuck in the mud. Spinning and spinning, digging the hole I’m stuck in so deep will I ever break free? I’m trapped in a cycle of worry and overthinking. How can I tap into my creativity when every part of my brain is occupied by something else? I have so much I could write about, but I don’t.

I just wrapped up the worst school year of my life, and that’s pretty significant since I had some terrible ones in high school. The list of events that transpired these last ten months to ultimately classify this as the worst year ever are numerous and heartbreaking. My friends and co-workers suffered significantly for a number of reasons. My students faced incredible challenges and devastating losses. We all suffered from our own mental health issues and watched helplessly as those around us struggled.

Personally, I suffered from a depression-like nothing else I have ever experienced. And that is when I stopped writing.

After breast cancer, surgery, and radiation, my oncologist put me on Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is a cancer drug used for premenopausal women whose cancer is hormone related. I was to be on Tamoxifen for five years which is pretty standard for women after breast cancer. I started taking it in January of 2021. During the early months of the year, I acclimated to taking this new med. It had a laundry list of side effects I didn’t care for, but it was a necessary evil. I went on a depression med for the first time since my divorce eight years prior and dealt with constant fatigue, weight gain, and so many other “manageable” side effects. My oncologist worked with me all year to try to find the right antidepressant, however, the sadness just grew and grew. I had no idea that my mental state had anything to do with the Tamoxifen. 2021 had bitch slapped me and my family with plenty of pain and suffering, how was I to know that the pill that was supposed to decrease my risk of cancer was about to cause the worst depression I have ever experienced?

The day after Christmas I woke up feeling as low as I’ve felt in a very long time. It got worse and worse that week until I finally called my oncologist and made an appointment. Another unbearable week went by before one of my doctors listened to me tell her about every physical and mental challenge I was currently facing. She said that I needed to take a break from Tamoxifen starting immediately. It could take up to six weeks for my body to bounce back from the effects of Tamoxifen. I had to wait it out and see if the massive depression subsided.

I’ve never felt so horrible in my life. I would have taken physical pain over the mental struggles I faced every day for those six weeks. Thank God for my husband who took care of me during that time. Neither of us knew if there would be an end to my sadness, I certainly didn’t think so at the time.

And just like that, miraculously, after six and a half weeks off Tamoxifen, I woke up on a Saturday and felt like myself. Every day following got a little better and eventually the depression was just a memory. A horrible, life-altering memory.

Since then I’ve learned that though it’s rare, Tamoxifen can cause severe depression. It’s so rare they don’t cover the side effect when prescribing it. Unfortunately, though I feel great now, my chances of recurrence of cancer go up by half. 

Since experiencing that horrible bout of drug-induced depression, I haven’t been able to write. I sit down in front of the laptop and stare at a blank screen willing the words onto the keyboard. But they don’t come. Today is the first time I’ve gotten past the first paragraph.

I had to say goodbye to a beloved co-worker yesterday. She is retiring. I am so happy for her to start her new adventure but sad to lose such an incredible colleague and friend. We both share a love for the arts and expressing ourselves creatively. We have both faced cancer and won. And we have bonded over the struggles we have faced both together and individually. As she hugged me goodbye yesterday she reminded me how amazing I am and that I need to write again. She knows what it’s like to lose a piece of yourself and she knows what I need to do to get that piece back. 

I’m going to miss my friend as we continue on the journeys that now take us in separate directions. I hope I make her proud. This is my first nine-hundred and fifty words in over half a year.